Real Life Post #2

Yes yes, I know it's been a long time. Yes yes, I know it's been atleast 3 days since I've been on FFXI... I have a life you know. Anyway, here I go...

As some of you know, I'm a fair person. I said fair NOT nice. There's a difference. "Nice" ppl with be kind to you, even when they don't like you. "Fair" ppl with be kind to you... until you become a R-Tard. I haven't been on FFXI lately because I'm in a dilemma... actually I have been in a dilemma for a long time now... and cuz I have FFXII but that's not the only reason.

***Venting Warning*** You are about to read me vent a few things. You probably won't understand it but here it is. If you don't like ppl venting then don't bother reading anymore.

When I was little, I was a very kind and naive person. How could I become the person I am now compared to how I use to be? Simple. To spare the details, I had a few things happen to me when I was little. The kinda things that traumatized you. Needless to say, I became a total A-Hole and became an almost endless tank of rage. I lost a lot of my memories and became a totally different person. When something like that happens, the pre-existing fragment (not a full personality but a critical piece of it) becomes locked away in the person's mind.

In my case, the locked away fragment was in a suspended state. A few years ago, when I was with my ex, she left me. To most ppl, this can be hard but not generally devastating. You gotta take into account that she was the first person I genuinely trusted. When she left, I became suicidal, thankfully my mom instilled in me a strong sense of honor and I didn't do anything even though I wanted to.

When it happened, I was sad, distraught, angry, heart broken, and most of all... sorry. I wasn't sorry that we broke up or that we weren't together... I was sorry that I hurt her to the point that she left. We always says "If I could go back in time I'd..." but you can't. I know I'll probably never see her again, I know that she probably doesn't want to see me again, but I still love her. A few days later, it happened, a day that I will never forget. You always hear about ppl having a nervous breakdown but until it happens to you, you can't understand it.

It was like the flood gates opened and all the pain that I had locked away with the "Fragment" were released. What's more, I became "whole" again. The hard part is that there is a part of me that matured too quickly, resulting in me seeming and feeling older than I really am. There is also a part of me that didn't age, the "fragment", that results in me seeming and feeling younger. It's a perplexing dilemma that constantly bothers me. I feel as though I'm both in my teens and also in my 30's.

Some of you will say "Oh that's normal" but it isn't, something that's normal doesn't cause your body to feel as though your slowly dying and breaking down. Slowly but surely, I'm becoming the person I need to be. I haven't been in contact with much of my friends because I'm trying to sort out a few things that resulted from this. I will be back soon, but I don't know when.

The one thing I'm sure of, is that I have brought pain and hatred into many ppls hearts. Everyday I strive to pay for the damage I have done. I'm sorry. If I'm lucky, one day I'll be given the chance to do something that I've always wanted to do. I know it sounds strage, but after all the pain that I have caused ppl, all I want to do is sacrifice myself to save them. If my life can save even one person I've wronged, given the chance, I'll throw it all away and disappear into the darkness.